Vodafone's brilliant ad campaign

The minute I saw the new Vodafone ads I knew that the pug represents the customer. The customer who haplessly and tirelessly runs around everyone at Vodafone's legendary call centres. I'm guessing the brilliant ad agency who made this will sweep all ad awards.

Any Vodafone customer knows that the transition from Hutch to Vodafone has moved an already abysmal customer service to an unthought of new depth (been to their "customer service centre lately? what's the longest you've been kept on hold? try and beat my record of 38minutes).

And it is exactly this that is being advertised and celebrated by Vodafone, i.e. we're happy to provide you with "customer executives" that you can breathlessly chase after because ha, ha, ha we sure as hell ain't gonna give you any service.

Your call dropped? You can't get reception in your house while other networks can? Oh, we overbilled you did we? Choose from hundreds of such options. Whatever the problem, we sure as hell aren't gonna solve it. But guess what, we're happy to help you with a chance to run around us, ha, ha, ha, geddit?

The day number portability is launced I will gladly pay to get rid of this execrable, abominable and truly pathetic mobile phone service that is one of the best illustrations of the the term fubar.

[PS: also read this post from what might well be the diary of Rocky J. Or not.]

HBO stops Bill Maher podcasts outside US

Update: HBO has resumed podcast downloads for Real Time for listeners outside of the USA, so..er..yay!

I listen regularly to "Real Time with Bill Maher" via HBO's podcasts. A few days back, iTunes started giving an error message which went "Authorization needed to access podcast". (note in the screen-capture below how previous podcasts downloaded without a problem).


Whoo hoo. I thought Apple is at again disallowing lesser mortals from accessing stuff via iTunes (remember, they still don't allow music downloads via iTunes for India). I thought well, you know, it's Apple. What else can you expect? They've still to be pointed out India on the map. But a google search absolved Apple of this.

Yup, because I discovered that this time it's HBO. And guess what, it's not just India on their "oh no you don't" list, it's all the countries outside of the USofA. Check this thread for other users across the non-US world complaining of this. And also check this thread at the Apple discussion forum for something similar.

This kinda stuff defies sense. I mean honestly, we need to call in the Nobel Prize Committee for a new category here. Bring out the Oscars, the Emmys and all the prizes because this kinda global achievement deserves an award.

Seriously, what good does banning a podcast for users outside the US achieve? Do the Einsteins at HBO believe that "Real Time" podcast listeners do not have access to other means of technology that gives them access to - get this - not just the audio, but, hey, the video as well? You know that stuff wherein you can also see the show and not just hear it?

What riles me - as it did about two years back - is when these fruitcakes drive people to alternate methods. Which is what makes that ad which you see before the movie starts, you know the one which goes "Would you steal a car, would you steal a book? then don't go for piracy" look like a bunch of crock.

My own stand on piracy is a bit less liberal than others, i.e. I do believe in paying for content. If there was an iTunes for India, I would have paid to download music. But at this rate, what options do I have? You want to deprive me of my music, of my podcasts, of latest seasons on my TV series (remember all English TV channels in India are running more than a year behind of current seasons across all popular shows)? And you expect me to twiddle my thumbs till then? Yeah right.

See, there's a limit. There is a limit to which you can put those patronizing error messages on my computer screen. There is a limit to which you tell me that your is not available in my country.

Because guess what, M/s HBO and M/S Apple, and this will come as a surprise to you, there is something called the Internet. And hey, did you know it connects people to people. And - oh, this will blow you - it actually allows people to share things? So, if you think I'm not good enough for your content, then I guess I'll just have to find someone who does. And while you're figuring that out, please give my regards to the dinosaurs.

I don't want to be a woman

I don't want to be a woman because

- I'm a child, a girl, a lady, a woman. A friend, a sister, an aunt, a wife, a mother, a lover. Before all that I'm a woman.

- I'm available. I'm public property. My eyes, my lips, my breasts, my hands, my arms, my waist, my thighs, my feet, my legs. Their hands, their elbows, their eyes, their feet, their chest, their mouth. Their words. Their attacks. Their gropes, their stares, their nudges, their pushes.

- I'm a cunt. If I don't smile back at a stranger saying "Hi, want a lift?".

- I'm a raand. If I don't smile back at a stranger saying "Kya madam, chalen sair pe?"

- I'm available. If you want a one-night stand.

- I'm a whore. If I want a one-night stand.

- I'm a slut. If my best friends are guys.

- I'm a drunk. If I go to a bar after a bad day.

- I'm a chaalu. If I wear a mini skirt.

- I'm disgusting. If I used foul language.

- I'm ideal. If only I only stayed at home and didn't party.

- I asked for it. If I didn't smile back, if I got drunk, if I wore a mini skirt, if I wore a tight T-shirt, if I wore jeans, if I wore a frock. If I moved in a crowd. If I wanted to enjoy a sunset alone at Band Stand. If I wanted to go home with my friends after New Years.

- Yes, I asked for all of it. The violation, the intrusion, the humiliation, the hurt, the bruises, the insults, the blood, the tears, the trauma. I asked for all of it.

Mumbai declared safe for women

The following is hereby notified vide Regulation 124/a/c/1/8765 of the Official Change of Status Act, Maharashtra, 1897, read with The Male Female Interaction Code of Conduct, Maharashtra, 555BC.

Mumbai is declared safe for women, provided, subject to:-

(1) The word "safe" means "free from molestation". The term "molestation" is restricted only to actual, proven, physical contact ("PC") between men and women in the city of Bombay/Mumbai. Examples of PC include groping, fondling, massaging, nudging, pressing, grabbing and similar activity.

(1b) However, staring at women, passing lewd remarks at women (for e.g. phrases such as "aati kya Khandala?", "kya maal hai", geographical references such as Aarey Milk Colony, etc.) fondling by man of his genitalia on seeing women, are excluded from the term "molestation". Mens are free to do this with no answerability, accountability, responsibility and any other ability.

(2) Women wearing following banned dressing will not have access to safety, i.e. if women wearing banned outfits below, then they will be subject to molestation at their own risk.

(2a) Indian outfit - sari, blouse, salwar-kameez, punjaabi outfits. Any outfit representing formal or informal attire of any state/UT of India.

(2b) Any other outfit

For best results, we recommend women wear large home furnishings (curtains, bed sheets, drapes) covering entire body with only the nose (specified as the only non-private part of a woman) being exposed for respiratory purposes. We do not take responsibility of women wearing above banned outfits.

Women wearing above banned outfits will be declared "fair game" for molestation with no resort to any authority.

(3) Women drinking any and all forms of alcohols are excluded in above declaration. Women found sipping, tasting, drinking, guzzling, injecting alcohol (in pure, distilled, direct or indirect forms, including soft drinks black in colour, including nail polish removers) do so at their own risk. Women found drinking (irrespective of quantity, irrespective of whether it is free or paid for) will be subject to molestation attempts from men at their own risk and the provisions of this section will instantaneously not apply.

(4) Following persons (including person and family) can say "Mumbai is safe for women"

(4a) Those who have not used public transport since 2002 and hence those who have their own personal transport (all vehicles priced at more than Rs6lakhs)

(4b) Those who only go from home to office and back, with weekend activity restricted to their own homes and those of similar said friends and relatives.

(4c) Those who have never been to malls, parks, promenades, gardens and other public places.

(4d) Those who have never walked on roads, entered lifts with a crowd of more than 5 people with women included.

(4e) Those who do not stroll around market places, vegetable markets, non-vegetable markets or go to pay bills for telephone, electricity or visit banks, hotels and restaurants.

The above-mentioned people (4a to 4e) are hereby authorised to chant "Mumbai is safe for women".

(5) Political parties Shiv Sena and Maharashtra Navnirman Sena will be issuing their own code of conducts, but these will apply to Maharashtrian women only (by birth, preferably not by marriage). Catholic women are free to approach the church. Similarly, we recommend that if you are a woman (defined as non-men), you should contact your nearest political party or religious body for further advice on safety, protection and salvation.

(6) The first 100 reported cases of molestation (starting from night of 31st Dec) in Mumbai will go scot free because these things happen in societies. We do not make mountains of molehills.

(7) The above declaration applies to all days and nights of a calendar year, except New Year's Eve.

Signed,
Those responsible for Mumbai

We invite public comments and opinion for above policy.

Wishing everyone, especially Mumbai's girls, ladies and women, a very safe and happy New Year 2008.

On fatty bombolatty

Ok, so I admit it. I'm fat. I can't hide it any more. I'm coming out. There it is. Out in the open. And now that that's out of the way, can we move on? Thanks.

I went a bit "Hmmmm" when I read this piece in the NYT by Dick Cavett. He says..

Television comedy, in particular, has become an equal opportunity employer of the gigantic. It seems as if nearly every sitcom has a requisite fat, sassy black lady (or man) or a fat, avuncular white Uncle Jim large enough to absorb the scripted fat jokes. I have yet to see one of those Comedy Central shows with multiple standup comics that doesn’t include someone the size of the Hindenburg. Frequently the comic is black or Hispanic — the two groups, according to many studies, currently bearing the brunt of the obesity plague.

Back in Bombay of course, the media - be it TV serials, adverts, hoardings, etc. would have you believe something else. Part of which it might be true, for e.g. Adnan Sami, Shekhar Suman. Look at Bips. What did she do to herself in Beedi?

My world is a bit different and closer to what Mr. Cavett's talking about. People I know, friends of mine, all of them. Looking a bit..what's that politically correct phrase?.."pleasantly plump". Little signs of another chin coming out here, a neck disappearing there. Someone who was quite thin and slim, lean and mean (love-making machine? geddouttahere) now looks like he's been stacking up the pizzas and sizzling brownies with walnuts and cheese-filled enchiladas.

Yes, we're all working hard and playing hard. Which is why an entire industry has come up around fat-free, etc. They didn't even leave shrikhand and rasgullas. And of course 98.5% fat-free gelato. Et al.

In school, I was pretty much 10-over par. Then one fine day - and I recall with amazing clarity - I woke up and all my trousers were loose, I was feeling better. I think I'd pretty much gone on some major diet and had done cycling and stuff. I didn't even know it till I noticed that man...they weren't calling me "Jaadya" any more.

Then college happened, then gymming happened. And then work happened. Loads of work happened. So much work, so little time. Gym went out of the door. And weight came in. And man, have I put on. I don't want to go into numbers, but you get the picture.

In the article above, Mr. Cavett goes on to add

But it’s no longer true that Europe and Asia can point to America and smugly sing, “Fatty, Fatty.” We’ve exported our revolution with our fast-food chains. Japan now has obese children for the first time in its thousand-year history. Mad for anything American, young Japanese have made McDonald’s (charmingly: “ma-ca-do-naru-doz”) their second –­ if not first –­ home, partaking there more than once a day.

I don't know if thats true in India. All those MackDees seem full whenever I go by. Those Domino pizza guys whiz across in their scooters like there's no tomorrow. And they still line up at Kailash Parbat and Bade Miya like they used to. But when I see around me, man, these bacha log, especially in college..all of them look like so nice and fit. Maybe no rippling biceps and curvalicious corners, but you get the picture.

So, what next? Guilt trips galore. Major internal strategy sessions (?) on the need to shed. And shed soon. Avoid wife's stern stare. Head to weighing machine, trembling in trepidation if that kaanta's crossed a century.

Gaah.

Do you have any inspirational stories on how you gained and lost and then gained and lost again? Or, do you want to privately wallow in self-pity on the state of your weight? do you want to beat your breast or chest with how you can simply not find that 25th hour to work out? (btw, I read in Mid-day that TV stars work out at 2am or something...with that mandatory photo of the track-panted actress stretched on a bench press with a trainer wearing a stern look and a T-shirt which says "From lard to hard").

Do you? then drop in a comment. Would love to hear from you.

They say, it is better to have ate and lost then never to have ate at all. Huh? Says who? That's what weight can do to sense of humor, I guess.

Gaah.

Having lunch?

If I did a post on infuriating phrases, I should do one on meaningless questions. One of them is "Having lunch?". People ask that of you while passing you by, or while stopping over for a "Hullo". They ask that of you when you are, quite clearly, having lunch. But still, they ask.

I don't know what it is. Where's the gap? Which part of eating can't you understand on a visual basis?

And this seems to cut across age, sex and intelligence. It cuts across relations and across time. My childhood friend would ask me as would the guy I met yesterday.

Having lunch?

And it's gently aimed at when I'm stuffing that bhurji in my mouth. Guess what? It makes answering back even more difficult. But then he/she always knew that.

No, I'm not having lunch. It's that aloo that's taking over me. And soon, it will eat you up too. Then what will you do?

No, I'm not having lunch. I have an oral fixation. For each word coming outta my mouth, I need 100million morsels to go in. See my size? They used to call me "The Blob" in my previous janam in the USA.

No, I'm not having lunch. I don't know where this plate came from. I don't know what this funny round-shaped brown thing is, or this yellow liquid, or this round, brown solid. Do you?

No, I'm not having lunch. What is lunch if not an existential man's version of the changing shapes of solids and liquids (gas?, oh you) and their meaning over the broader issues that plague humankind's dilemmas and quandaries over the implications and ramifications of the machinations of people like you. Get what I mean?

No, I'm not having lunch. I'm just so stimulated by all those things on my plate. I have this power trip thing, you know?. I need to know I'm in control. So this plate represents my kingdom. I am the master of my domain.

No, I'm not having lunch. I'm sure you don't too. It sure as hell looks like the sole purpose of your existence is to perambulate. You know, quotidian peregrinations. Oh you don't?

Yes, it's still that kinda day.

Could you repeat the fruit part please

I don't have a problem with business jargon. To be fair, I work in a business where not much of it is used. And I'm not an MBA.

Still, sometimes it gets to me. So I thought I’d frame a sentence with some phrases that I hear often. Phrases that bemuse me. Sample this -

At the end of the day, to my mind - although I could be completely wrong - I see this particular market as low-hanging fruit.

Here's my take on some components of that sentence...

1. "At the end of the day" - When else ? Lunch ? breakfast ? Come to think of it, when does the day end ? Dusk, sunset, midnight ? And do important things happen only at the end of the day ? Does the fat lady sing at that time ?

Sample usage -
“At the end of the day, he’s our client”. Ah, and in the morning he doubles up as Raju serving us tea and coffee. I tell you, it was that comb sticking out of his pocket that did him in.

“At the end of the day, what matters is winning”. Because we can afford to lose at breakfast and lunch but not when we’re stuffing ourselves with vada pav at sunset.

“At the end of the day, it’s really all in your head” – oh yes and at other times it’s in my pants. Smack that.

2. "To my mind" – no, seriously. And all this time you had me going with that Jedi Mind-Reading trick of yours.

So, let me get this right…till now you were really talking about the secret desires of the receptionist ? or the hidden passions of the VP(Strategy) ? or the never-expressed feelings of that new trainee sitting in the corner of the room too scared to voice his thoughts ? And at the end of the day, you're finally talking your mind. Hallelujah.

I mean what if every hero in every climax of a movie with a time bomb goes “To my mind, it’s the green wire” before cutting it ?

Whose mind is it anyway ?

3. "I could be completely wrong" - oh come on, Einstein. You've ended the day, you've told us what's on your mind and now you're telling us there's actually a chance that you could be wrong ? Oh you modest, unassuming, shy, gallant man, you. How could you be wrong ? I mean, its us dunces who struggle to end the day, who can't read other people minds. Its us doofuses at the table who’d be wrong about this. Not you.

Come to think of it, what if the above hero in the time-bomb climax goes "To my mind, it’s the green wire, but hey, I could be wrong about this". Yes Virginia, there's a bomb on the bus.

4. "low-hanging fruit" – Full of possibilities and ripe for the picking, but I think this is enough for now.

So, do you have any other phrases that pain you ?

PS - Regular posting on hold for some time, as this legal alien heads towards Delhi.

Don't you articulate me

What does the word "articulate" mean to you ?

To me, it's an adjective used to describe someone who talks clearly and gets the message across. Of course it sometimes also depends on what the message is.

For example, check out Akon below singing the chart-busting, hip-thrusting number "Smack that"

I see the one, because she be that lady! Hey!
I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
Maybe go to my place and just kick it like TaeBo
And possibly bend you over look back and watch me

Smack that all on the floor
Smack that give me some more
Smack that 'till you get sore
Smack that oh-oooh!

That's articulate man. I get the message without any doubts. Unequivocally, without a shadow of doubt, shake your booty, shake that thing, shake your moneymaker, smack that.

Much before Akon, there was Vanilla Ice with - oh come on, you know the song don't you ?. Sample this (also note recurrence of "Lamborghini")

Yo -- so I continued to a1a beachfront ave.
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving lamborghinis
Jealous cause I'm out geting mine
Shay with a gauge and vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because theyre so full of eight balls
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine -- all I heard were shells

Rockman ? Shay ? grabbed my what ? I have no idea what he was talking about. Vanilla Ice is not articulate. No way Jose, he ain't got no good English.

I can go on and on about this, but you get my point. I mean think about it. Think of a person you know, who you can call articulate. Ever thought about what he looks like ? I didn't.

But it seems that this is a matter of raging debate in the USA. In fact, its been that way for quite some time, only I never knew it. It seems that you do not go around calling a black brother "articulate". Uh-huh. Don't you go around calling me articulate or I'll kick that white ass of yours.

Ok, so maybe that's not how Lynette Clemeston words it in this NY Times article where she writes

It is amazing that this still requires clarification, but here it is. Black people get a little testy when white people call them “articulate.”

and there's more - like this

When whites use the word in reference to blacks, it often carries a subtext of amazement, even bewilderment. It is similar to praising a female executive or politician by calling her “tough” or “a rational decision-maker.”

And this one last part (just because it quotes a show I enjoy - Real time with Bill Maher)

The comedian and actor D. L. Hughley, a frequent guest on HBO’s “Real Time With Bill Maher,” says that every time he appears on the show, where he riffs on the political and social issues of the day, people walk up to him afterward and tell him how “smart and articulate” his comments were.

“Everyone was up in arms about Michael Richards using the N-word, but subtle words like this are more insidious,” Mr. Hughley said. “It’s like weight loss. The last few pounds are the hardest to get rid of. It’s the last vestiges of racism that are hard to get rid of.”

I've never been to the USA and I have no idea what the politically correct way is to describe a black person who talks with clarity and gets his message across to his listeners. Think Denzel Washington in his closing speech in Philadelphia. Impassioned and articulate. Message across loud and clear. Think Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction. clever, cool and articulate ? I think so.

So now what ? Hang on, let me check the synonyms for articulate..

This one says "eloquent, facund, silver-tongued, smooth-spoken"

Facund ? as in "Yo Akon, you one facund brother" ?

And silver-tongued ? like "Mr. Washington, I believe you were quite silver-tongued in that closing speech you gave before the jury" ?

And that would be better than calling a black person articulate ?

Anyone out there from the USofA who can add some colour, articulate this matter further, throw some light on this issue ?

iTunes - not made for India

The world’s not kind to someone who likes to listen to contemporary English music on the go. At least not in India. WorldSpace isn't interested in car audio and in its earlier cruel and random decision Go 92.5FM stopped English music altogether before transforming into a 24*7 Hindi music station - Radio One (and no, I don't think Tarana is coming back, so get used Sangraaam and Jaggu in the morning).

So what else is there ? There’s downloading stuff from the net through sites like seekasong, mpeg-search, and other sites which allow free MP3 downloads. But hell, how can you download a song before hearing it ? I mean the entire use of these sites was in the days when you heard James Blunt belting out “You’re beautiful”; or felt blessed on discovering bands like Vertical Horizon. You listened to the songs a couple of times on the radio and then downloaded them. Free of cost.

Today, I'm willing to pay for downloading music from the biggest online seller of music - iTunes. And I can't. Which gets me to my peeve of the day - Why hasn’t Apple launched iTunes in India ? No, I’m not talking about tie-ups with Hungama (what a ghastly website) or Saregama. Those tie-ups are specifically for making Indian music available to a global audience. I’m talking of how iTunes can make global music available to an Indian audience.

How much does it take for Apple to add “India” to its list of countries ? Currently – and as Apple’s teeny-weeny disclaimer at the end of its web page reads – “Purchases from the iTunes Music Store are available only in Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, and the United States.” Dude, that’s 21 countries and India is nowhere there.


So if I’ve got it right, I can’t buy any music on iTunes because I’m in India. But anyone, in any of those 21 countries, can download Gulzar, Bhupinder and even the OST of the new Don from iTunes. Ironical ? Probably because catering to niche audiences doesn't get you the moolah. Probably because Apple believes that they can’t crack the market for Hindi music downloads (read piracy) the way they revolutionised music downloads in the USA. As for English music downloads, Apple firmly believes that no one in India is interested in the Billboard hot 100. We wouldn't know Rihanna from Shakira, leave alone wanting to download Justin Timberlake’s sexyback. Oh right, we’re still in love with Abba, Boney M and Osibissa.

If all this is true, then why is Apple so gung-ho about launching its latest ipods in India ? Why is Apple tying up with HCL Info to set up a distribution and after-sales network, not only for ipods but Macs as well, in India ? Why is Apple opening up retail outlets in India ? All this hype and hoopla, without including India in their list of 21 privileged countries authorised by Apple to have a valid iTunes account?

I’ll tell you what else is ironical. Even if I can’t download the #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 from itunes, I can listen to Bill Maher’s completely brilliant talk-show "Real Time". I can also listen to Ricky Gervais and Chris Moyles. Hell, I can even get the most e-mailed article on the New York times read out to me. Glory be – all these are free podcasts.

Perhaps there is some justice in this world.

PS- This post eventually got printed in "Man's World" magazine (Nov-06 issue, page 34, no link available), attributed, unfortunately, to a pseudonym (don't even ask why).

Technorati tags: India, Bombay, Music, Entertainment, MP3, Itunes, Apple.

Govinda and Dawood - of Gods and demons

BBC NEWS South Asia India MP in TV 'most wanted' row

So a TV channel aired footage of actor-turned-politician (buffoon-turned-imbecile) Govinda meeting Dawood in Dubai, which the joker claims is 16 years old. Of all the things to crucify this worthless politican, this seems to be the kindest.

Replacing veteran BJP MP Ram Naik, this cretin got a ticket from the Congress and won the elections from Virar, which is his home-town. But hey - he's also got a plush bungalow in Juhu. The joker was last in the news for mysteriously vanishing when a 15km thick cloud gave 944mm of rain in the suburbs of Bombay. Thankfully, he was hounded by the news channel and in interviews he did what he does best - put his foot in his mouth. Sample this - Our Honourable MP thought that PIL, which stands for Public Interest Litigation, meant Public Relations Officer.

Then, finally sick of it all, he decided to quit. Probably someone reminded him that he'll earn..sorry, make more money in politics than in the film industry (no one sees his movies anyways), prompting him to change his mind. (http://www.rediff.com/cms/print.jsp?docpath=/news/2005/sep/06govinda.htm)

Bombay's been let down by the same politicians elected by its own sick and tired populace. If this so-called scandal can get rid of Govinda, surely its for the best.