On lifts

Firstly, it's 'lift'. I've never heard anyone in Bombay calling it an 'elevator'. So it's lift, not elevator (I mean, imagine Adnan Sami going "Elevate kara de").

My favorite lift story is when we were at this friend’s house. While leaving, I stuck my chewing gum on the "G" button (I figured ground floor’s the most used one) of his lift. I shaped it around the white button, stuck it and left – much disaster, agony, gaali-galoch in his housing society followed. Yes, that was a very tough patch for our friendship. Poor guy.

So, this post is about lifts and the fact that I've been kinda fascinated by them. Terrified of escalators (for which I'm duly mocked at by family and friends), but kinda fascinated by lifts. As a kid it was the whole Superman thing - entering a lift with normal clothes and flying out of the terrace, all caped and red undies and stuff (ok, the undies didn't figure then). As an adolescent, well, if you've heard Aerosmith, you know what I mean. And now - or at least till I worked at an office - I've been fascinated at the great Indian lift culture.

I think lift culture forms an essential part of societal norms and urban life. As long as you are in a mode of transport, there is an established code for behaviour. In a local train you move towards the door when your station's about to come. If you're driving, you stick to certain lanes (yeah right). If you're in a bus, you keep your money ready when the conductor's around. You know, there's an order, a discipline. Small things that keep life in a city calm and peaceful. More importantly, it's part of an important mechanism for survival (or as I know it - getting to office on time.)

I've observed some cogs in the wheel of this lift culture machinery. You know, some trends and types. Like this.

1. The dash - Even before you enter your lobby, from the corner of your eye you notice that of the four lifts in the lobby, only one is boarding - and people are rushing in. This gets out the Carl Lewis or P. T. Usha in you. This is the single most important dash of the day. If you rewind the moment, you can see yourself, in full formals, running, chest heaving, drops of sweat falling off the brow, running to that one lift. Think Chariots of Fire. Think glory, think victory.

2. Being Noah - In the absence of a lift-man, if you happen to be the one near the dashboard, then you, yes you are the man. Sure, others will jab your six packs trying to push the floor button and someone from the back will shout "Boss, jara 10th floor". But dude, you are Noah. This is your ark. You have to herd everyone away from the flood. In short press "door close" and let's move it. Oh and don't forget the expression of Carl Lewis on the other side as the doors close. He didn't make it, I did. Life hai.

3. Low life - May the Lords despatch to hell those who press the "up" button when they want to go "down". May he have fungus-infected underwear for the rest of his life. So the door opens and you see this guy who asks "Neeche?". It brings out the Uruk Hai in you. After all, there is no stretch of logic to justify an action like that. Motion is simple. Up is up and down is down. This lift can't go down mid-way, when it's going up. And certainly not when Mogambo is in it. Now die, filthy mortal. You say "No" calmly. Humanity wins.

4. Desperado - See, pressing the "Lift" button 534 times in 10 seconds won’t get the lift to you quicker. No, really. There's electronics, physics, hydraulics, engineering going behind that door, behind that button. Stuff you won’t understand, stuff that has made people Noble laureates. So it doesn't matter if you keep pressing. I know you belong to an era of collapsible gate lifts when you'd shout out "Lift" and lo and behold, like a nymph from the skies, like an apsara, a lift would float in front of you. No. It's not like that any more. So wait. Be quiet. Save the energy.

So, these were my few observations. Love to know yours.

And if, like me, you’re looking for the answers to these questions:
1. Oh horror, my lift’s falling and I’m going to die. Should I jump out just before it hits the ground?
2. Oh horror, my lift’s….should I just hug the floor of the lift?

..actually even if you’re not thinking those questions, just read this excellent New Yorker piece on elevators, “Up and down: the lives of elevators by Nick Paumgarten”. Brilliant stuff.

Looking for comedy in the Indian world

Before “Flop Show”, there was “Yeh jo hai zindagi” and before both of them, there was “Baban Prabhu and Yakub Sayed” in the Doordarshan days. There was also “Chaal Nawachi vaachal vasti” and a whole lot of Marathi TV serials and legendary Marathi humorists like PuLa, that half of Raj Thackeray’s party members couldn’t even remember. Just like brothers-with-arms, the Samajwadi Party, wouldn’t know Kaka Hathrasi and Ashok Chakradhar. But I digress.

This post is simply about “What makes you LOL?” I’m talking old-fashioned laugh-out-loud. Not a smile, snicker, or heh, but a hearty laugh. Here’s what made me LOL over the years.

First there was..
The earliest stuff made me LOL were all those TV serials mentioned above. I loved them for the simple, situational comedy of everyday life. In movies, “Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro” and “Chashme Buddoor” had me in complete splits. Video was still new and staple viewing included “Mind Your Language”, the “Lemon Popsicle” and “Carry On” movie series. In comics, I was a huge fan of Beetle Bailey, Graffiti, Hagar the Horrible, The Lockhorns and Moose & Molly. (This was obviously before Mid-day in Bombay started my all-time fav “Calvin and Hobbes”)

I discovered the joys of PG when I enrolled at the British Council Library. Other than Mr. Wodehouse, I read magazines Punch and Private Eye and admired the way the Brits tear their politicians apart. In those cable-less days, we were also lucky to see Brit TV series like the legendary "Yes Minister" and "Yes Prime Minister", “Spitting Image”, “Drop the Dead Donkey” and “Fawlty Towers” on good ol’ Doordarshan. There was also “Different Strokes” but give me those Brit comedies any day.

..Then the nineties
With cable coming in the early nineties, Star TV, in its original avatar, showed some excellent stuff like “MASH”, “Home Improvement” and “The Simpsons”. There was also the brilliant improv show “Whose line is it anyway”. The few days that NBC aired in India, I looked forward to “The Tonight Show” with Jay Leno and then “Late night with Conan O’Brien” – quickly coming to prefer Conan to Leno. But NBC shut shop soon deciding that there was no market for an English TV channel in India. It took time for Star TV to agree. (Since then Star has come back with a dedicated English channel, but not NBC).

Later in the 90s, I liked “Friends” for some time but got bored quickly of their self-obsession and sex obsession. An accusation that holds true for just about any American TV series, so it’s only a question of what you can take. So, I took on to “Seinfeld” like crazy. I think it’s the best comedy TV series ever for me. In movies, anything by Zucker-Abrahams was totally LOL’able( “Airplane”, “The Naked Gun” and “Hot Shots” series) and two other landmark comedies of the 90s were “My Cousin Vinny” and “There’s something about Mary”.

The here and now
Cut to present day. I don't think I’m enough. But then, comedy ain’t what it used to be. Political correctness is the order of the day and we take things too seriously. (That’s one reason I enjoy “Curb Your Enthusiasm” – if that’s daily life in the US then it’s more reality than comedy.)

No media house dare make a (comedy) TV series or movie on politics, bureaucracy or the system. Can’t blame them, who’d want their effigies and posters burnt? That sucks so much (just for that hats off to Cyrus Broacha on The Week that Wasn’t). And that’s why I’m a huge fan of “Real Time with Bill Maher”. For the love of God I can’t imagine anyone in Mumbai making fun of either Balu T or Raju T (both of them, ironically, being cartoonists). And I doubt that day would ever come. For example, why has stand-up comedy never taken off in Bombay?

Which means we have to rely mostly on slapstick, parody and risqué humor to run our “Laughter Challenges”. Not that I’ve disliked them. In the past, I’ve enjoyed Raju Srivastav and Sunil Pal much more than any Priyadarshan comedy (barring the first “Hera Pheri”). And I also think Munna-bhai took comedy to a completely different level. But still. There’s only so much that we can come up with. All the laughter shows have become photocopies of each other and I could never stand seeing Sidhu, Shekhar Suman, Mandira Bedi, et al with their over-the-top fake ear-to-ear laughs. The only comedy I enjoy on the Hindi TV channels today is the priceless "Sarabhai v/s Sarabhai". Whoever thought a clash between elitism and middle class-ism could be so hilarious. Ironically, the series has already closed a long time back and what I'm seeing today are re-runs - which are still very funny. 

Finally, the internet. From emails, the fore bearers of the tech funnies, to Facebook wall posts, Orkut scraps and youtube videos, I’ve seen barely a handful of really funny stuff. And now there’s blogs. Even here, I’ve stopped following most of the blogs I found funny for a variety of reasons (Gawker being an exception because he's a class apart).

Hm. Funny. When I want it, it does become difficult to find comedy in my current world.

So, what makes you LOL?

Simpson and Greenspan

O. J. Simpson in conversation with Alan Greenspan.

Greenspan: The first draft of my book actually had a lot of steamy sex scenes in it, but my publisher was afraid they wouldn’t stock it at Wal-Mart.

Simpson: Don’t get me started on publishers. Have you seen my book’s cover? They made the “If ” in the title so small it looks like the title is “I Did It.” I mean, talk about exploitative. It’s like if Herman Melville’s publisher printed “Moby” in tiny letters so that people would think the book was called “Dick.”

Oh I kid that alleged killer and that alleged creator of the sub-prime crisis. Go read another hilarious S&M at the New Yorker.

France, pee-pee parts and the Conservatives

I have to agree with Purush. I'm a big fan of Real Time with Bill Maher and I thought episode 101, which aired on 4th May, was one of the best in recent times. So what if it didn't have a single Republican on the panel. There was Gov. Tommy Thomson earlier on in the show, via satellite....man, what kinda excuse is "my hearing-aid battery died", when you're defending your stance in favor of job discrimination against gays?

I loved the last New Rule on the show. Just brilliant. Read on..

And finally, New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?"

And, yet, an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health care system than we do, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. "John Kerry? Couldn't vote for him; he looked French." Yeah, as opposed to the other guy who just looked stupid.

Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!

Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.

The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!

Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!

They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music. But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world. As is their poverty rate. And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country. And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!

They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?

So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you.

For an unedited version of this, do visit Purush's post here.

Do not disconnect the call

Currently bogged down with work, but checking in with this YouTube clip (link via Serendipity) on a call made by an HP Media PC owner to a call center. Quite funny. Not in the rip-roaring LMAO, ROFL way, but definitely funny. This caller is one patient dude.



And talking of call centers this is probably a good time for me to tell Standard Chartered Bank that I do NOT want their credit card. I mean, in the last 2 days I've got 65 calls from this StanC call center guy/girl peddling the Titanium credit card as if it's the gift of life.

These people go "A very good morning to you sir, and how are you feeling today sir? Yes, I can hear the birds chirping and the fishes swimming near your desk so I'm sure you're feeling great sir. I would like to take 3 minutes of your valuable time to tell you about the StanC Titanium credit card, which gives you free credit for 50 generations. So you can spend all you want and your grandkids will have to pay the bill in 4,321 instalments, all at 0.5% interest per year. So tell me sir, are you interested? we're also offering an all-expenses paid free cruise to Bali, where your host will be Priyanka Chopra...."

Yes, it's one of those days.

Kahi Puneri Patya

...was the title of this mail forward I received today, attached with some hilarious sign-boards (all in Marathi) from Pune. I can understand the anguish that could have gone behind some of them. My learned Maharashtrian colleague tells me that the perpetrators of most of these warnings will likely be "Konkanastha Brahmins" known to be..well..."khadoos". Whoever they are, hats off to them. There's must've been a lot of anguish behind some of those signs. Oh and I've not translated them....takes away the fun.














Now why couldn't anyone in Bombay think of something as brilliant as this?



One of the best...the last line reads "Mudvyaadhich aushad meedhale"














Update: That intrepid Mumbaikar, Abodh, has left me this link for many more patyas. In fact, and as he correctly points out in the comments below, most of the above are from this website. Click here.

Why can't I hang live crows on my wall?

Link via Neha, this simply superb 1985 interview of music legend Kishore Kumar, by then Illustrated Weekly editor, Pritish Nandy.

Today, more than 20 years after this interview was first done, I see the legend in a completely different light. Such simple, straight answers that you have to call the man a genius.

Its a long interview (full text here, thank you Neha), but I found it so rewarding as a reader that I went back to portions of the interview..portions like this (partly also highlighted by Neha).

PN: People would have thought you crazy. In fact they already do.
KK: Who said I'm crazy. The world is crazy; not me.

PN: Why do you have this reputation for doing strange things?

KK: It all began with this girl who came to interview me. In those days I used to live alone. So she said: You must be very lonely. I said: No, let me introduce you to some of my friends. So I took her to the garden and introduced her to some of the friendlier trees. Janardhan; Raghunandan; Gangadhar; Jagannath; Buddhuram; Jhatpatajhatpatpat. I said they were my closest friends in this cruel world. She went and wrote this bizarre piece, saying that I spent long evenings with my arms entwined around them. What's wrong with that, you tell me? What's wrong making friends with trees?

PN: Nothing.

KK: Then, there was this interior decorator-a suited, booted fellow who came to see me in a three-piece woollen, Saville Row suit in the thick of summer- and began to lecture me about aesthetics, design, visual sense and all that. After listening to him for about half an hour and trying to figure out what he was saying through his peculiar American accent, I told him that I wanted something very simple for my living room. Just water-several feet deep- and little boats floating around, instead of large sofas. I told him that the centre-piece should be anchored down so that the tea service could be placed on it and all of us could row up to it in our boats and take sips from our cups. But the boats should be properly balanced, I said, otherwise we might whizz past each other and conversation would be difficult.

He looked a bit alarmed but that alarm gave way to sheer horror when I began to describe the wall decor. I told him that I wanted live crows hanging from the walls instead of paintings-since I liked nature so much. And, instead of fans, we could have monkeys farting from the ceiling. That's when he slowly backed out from the room with a strange look in his eyes. The last I saw of him was him running out of the front gate, at a pace that would have put an electric train to shame. What's crazy about having a living room like that, you tell me? If he can wear a woollen, three-piece suit in the height of summer, why can't I hang live crows on my walls?

Unfair baggage for a white man

And since your competition is Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, mainly, do you think it's unfair baggage that you're a white man?

Welcome back Bill Maher. In the first part of the new season of Real Time, he asks that question to Presidential Candidate and former Senator John Edwards (D-NC), who replies

I'm not touching that

And if its Real Time, then its also New Rules. Here's Bill Maher on Joe Biden calling Barack Obama clean and articulate -

And finally, New Rule: There's more to being smart than just not misspeaking. A couple of weeks ago, Senator Joe Biden's presidential campaign hit the ground flopping when he described Barack Obama as "articulate and clean." But if you think he's a racist, you're just playing "gotcha." Yes, the remark was cringe-worthy. It always is when someone old and out of touch says something creepy. Even a Chinaman knows that!

However, when it comes to the most important issue of the day, it was this same Joe Biden who recognized first that Iraq was going to end up three countries, and that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And I agree. So what if Iraq gets broken up. It's a made-up country anyway. There's only been an Iraq since 1932. It's seven years younger than Paul Newman.

So, the guy who gets it on the big issue of the day, he can't run because he said a black man was "clean." And we care more about a one-second verbal brain fart than we do about who has the right answers.

Howard Dean has been a virtual Nostradamus on predicting what would happen in Iraq from the beginning, but he can't be president because he once shouted, "Yee-haw!"-- two decibels above what we, as Americans, know to be the appropriate level for "Yee-haw!" He's out. He screamed louder than the crowd screaming at him. And the media acted like grandpa just yelled out the "n" word at a ballgame.

Indeed, where is the now vindicated Howard Dean?

Personal ads, part 2

[Part 1 here]

More on personal ads. This time some delightful ones like this -

"My finger on the pulse of culture, my ear to the ground of philosophy, my hip in the medical waste bin of Glasgow Royal Infirmary. 14% plastic and counting -- geriatric brainiac and compulsive NHS malingering fool (M, 81), looking for richer, older sex-starved woman on the brink of death to exploit and ruin every replacement operation I've had since 1974. Box 7648 (quickly, the clock's ticking, and so is this pacemaker)."

That ad is from this book titled "They call me Naughty Lola: Personal ads from the London Review of Books". Read this Salon.com piece on the book which compares the LRB personal ads with those from the New York Review of Books - such as this

"LITHE, LOVELY. Vivacious, passionate, successful concert singer (Lincoln Center, Carnegie) ... Cool (but not cold) blonde with an enviably high metabolism -- witty, classy, quick to smile -- a mix of Angelica Huston/Cameron Diaz. Argentina-born, Paris (Sorbonne) educated and fluent in six languages (including Catalan -- ¡j'estim Barcelona!). Graceful, athletic, and encouraging. Laughs often and much. Can't live without: Martinique, lobster rolls, squash (the sport), and the miso black cod at Nobu. Habitué of Telluride, Napa, and The Vineyard. Well-fixed financially, looking for same. Inspired by Mozart, Stravinsky, Ray Charles, and gamelan music. Seeks intellectual, nonsmoking, fit, successful, sophisticated, not fully retired, man, 47–67."

Gaah. Now I know why I continue to love British humor.

So, before I leave, sample another ad from the Lola book - this time, woman seeking man.

"This column reads like a list of X-file character rejects. Woman, 34, able to bi-locate and start fires with the power of her pre-menstrual tension. Seeks human/Jovian hybrid with whom to start genetic processing plant (Bicester). Must have own car. Box no. 5258."

Personal ads, part 1

I found this finally after searching for the blog where I first saw it. That blogger J.A.P. had posted it here, calling it scary because it was mostly true. I can see why. Here's why.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..............................49
Adventurous......................Slept with everyone
Athletic............................No tits
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful..........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.............On medication
Feminist...........................Fat
Free spirit.........................Junkie
Friendship first ...................Former sl*t
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned....................No BJs
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Professional.......................B*tch
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker

Part 2 to follow

PS - J.A.P. - my apologies..I should have linked your post earlier. Argh.

Karo na...pyaar

That's my nominee for movie of the year 2006.

Want to choose yours ? Be my guest. Here is the full Filmfare awards ad (TOI, 3rd Jan 2007, Wed), which contains all the movies released in 2006.



And you thought you'd seen everything in 2006. Did you see these?

- Bajrang – He-Man (Ladies, beware)
- Bheega Badan (ah, those waterfalls, those rivers. Thank you Raj Kapoor)
- Bipasha – The Black Beauty (Bip-who?)
- Chumban – The Kiss (in case you were wondering)
- Ek se mera kya hoga (was he really referring to Pan Paraag?)
- Free Entry (‘No entry’ part 2?)
- Galtiyan – The mistake (Hai, hai mein lut gayi, barbaad ho gayi)
- Haseena – Smart, sexy and dangerous (what more could you ask for?)
- Hot Girl (keep it simple stupid)
- Hot Malaika (it’s getting hot in here)
- Hot Money (international thriller, stock-market scam?)
- Item Girl (a.k.a.Hot Girl the prequel)
- Jaana – let’s fall in love (inspired by K Jo?)
- Kaamwaali (no comment)
- Karo Na….Pyaar (brilliant. My vote for picture of the year)
- Mast Chalak Chhokri (or is this is the Hindi version of Haseena?)
- Men not allowed (Free Entry part 2?)
- Mr 100% - The Real Player (related to Bajrang?)
- Naughty Boy (tease me baby till I lose control)
- No Parking (So we got No entry and No parking..what’s next? No Speeding?)
- Sandwich (no, I can’t even imagine)
- Shaitan ki premika (Revenge of the Ramsays)

Why the Onion is so up there

What all I'd do to write stuff like this. Howlarious, in true Onion fashion.

Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight

"The 12-person crew was not able to accommodate the president due to strict federal guidelines requiring all passengers to arrive at their departure gate 15 minutes prior to takeoff—guidelines flight officials say are especially important considering heightened security around the president. When Bush inquired into the possibility of being placed on standby for Air Force Two, the exasperated commander in chief was informed that the flight was full and Vice President Dick Cheney was unwilling to give up his seat."

Bad English Contest - Winners

Those are the prizes, this was the contest, these were the entries and now its time for the winners.

Everyone sure as hell made it a tough job for me to choose the winners. At the risk of sounding like a Miss Universe aspirant - bloggers, you are all winners.

But getting on to the task at hand, the winners that I have chosen are

Shruthi - Hilarious stuff. I still can't get over "..to be exposing my English". Here's her price winning entry once again in its entirety.

"Thanking you lot many times for good opportunity to be exposing my English. When myself am in the duty in my the office and I write the mails, all the peoples laughs on myself for my English. I telled them my English good but they still laughing. Only good peoples like you understanding and giving price for us. Ones myself starting blog and rude peoples coming and doing flame in my blog. If there is problem, peoples should be telling correct words, know? In staid they are uttering bad words. I was very much sad, and I was very much feared also. But I know, all are not the bad peoples. Some peoples good, like your kind self. Please to give me price. As return, I will be rolling my blog on you."

Kaushik Gopalan - No, not because he tried thrice. But because this entry was prize-winning trash. Whacky comparisons, unadulerated bakwaas and B-grade at its best. Here it is again -

"It was a dark and stormy night and raw unbridled lust filled the air like agarbatti smoke. She was the typical Hollywood type, switching between marriage and divorce with a frequency that was the envy of the supercomputer industry. He was stuck in a bad marriage that offered as much happiness as a Weight watchers 1 1/2 point cereal bar. Their relationship was like one between an Egyptian plover and a crocodile, perfectly symbiotic. As they stepped towards each other with the measured steps of wresters who are ready for a bout, he realized that something was not right. That the situation was not as perfect as it had seemed when he was eyeing her heaving bosom like Vandana Luthra eyes an overweight person. He realized that he was incomplete, like Saqlain without his doosra. He realized that he had forgotten the Viagra."

Harish Suryanarayana - I cannot imagine Morphus as "so sofsticated and poise and panache", but yes, Neo did look lost in front of Morphus in the first part of the trilogy. Here's Harish's revew again -

"The Matrix - A Revew

This movie it be one of my favorite.It has action like my hero Dharmendhar who also fly and escape any bullet which come my way.They have very cool name like Neo , Morphus and Trinty. . Morphus has deep voice and also speak very good dialoges by himself.My favourite dialogue is him saying do you eat red pill or will swallow blue pill to Neo. Morphus is so sofsticated and poise and panache but Neo look like he dont know what happening . Sometime I feel like getting up and kicking his mud head into sense. The movie I dont understood but action good ,so I see movie many many time.Agent Smith who is secret agent like James Bond but have no cool number like 007.I highly recomends movie for action liking peoples because action be made in Amrica studio and is very good."

So winners - please mail me at bombayaddict[at]gmail[dot]com with your postal addresses to receive your respective prizes. Well done and congratulations.

PS - The girl from Ipanema - Please do forgive me.

The Bad English Contest entries

A big thanks to everyone for participating in my contest. Here are the participants along with their entry/entries -

Sunshine: No one is not taking ur chalengge so myself thinks I can be able to give it try. I going to talking about the city I am. It called as Chennai. It have beach and it is both of hot and sultry. I wish it is more cleaner and the roads more better. Its raining for one week everyday now. I surprise the rain because normaly do not rain this month. Last year heavy rains flooded and roads are under water. I wish it don't rain like that current year. Myself not write Eglish not that better but I hope there are many worser then me. Please apologise.

Shruthi: Thanking you lot many times for good opportunity to be exposing my English. When myself am in the duty in my the office and I write the mails, all the peoples laughs on myself for my English. I telled them my English good but they still laughing. Only good peoples like you understanding and giving price for us. Ones myself starting blog and rude peoples coming and doing flame in my blog. If there is problem, peoples should be telling correct words, know? In staid they are uttering bad words. I was very much sad, and I was very much feared also. But I know, all are not the bad peoples. Some peoples good, like your kind self. Please to give me price. As return, I will be rolling my blog on you.

HP: I dont need to make a special post for this. My regular posts are more than enough for such competitions :-)

Kishor Cariappa: Sachin is the my favright batsmen. I love his phulls, kover derives and hucks. I shure he will going to complete maximum runs in one days and test krickets. I no like Sachin in advertizements. His phace is ok, but voice is too much of childishness of baby it it. There is reports of terrorist treat to him and hence the police of india are very strict with all the peoples of the country, including greg chappal. I have told my sones to phollow the sachin's idols.

Deepak Shenoy:
Entry 1 - U people R giving bad name with ur idiot contest for bad english...you have cut our nose I say. Our English has many local annotations because we are like that only otherwise how would we be. Whether we choose to write better, for what? For many Indians you know that black letter is like a buffalo, meaning is better in Hindi though in English its looking so foolish. But you know also no? It is not so much the reading, it is the comprehension. If you are comprehending the riting how difference it is from english of queen? You are knowing what I mean no? I am not seeing you but I know you are shaking your head up and down.

Entry 2 - Those britishers went off and left us with sorry and thank you. Their language is anyway not great, and even their football team steps on peoples private parts in public television. It is so painful and then we have to watch with our half-wife (ardhangani) who is not very happy that they are doing replay upon replay upon replay. But Indian women are not playing with us. They are not exposing to games like cricket at very young age, that is why they are exposing when they become older, like that rakhi sawant. Chee. In fact you should ask her to write in your contest, tho i think you will look only at her entry. Stop it. You all have become very mischivious.

M Rajshekhar: (Combining both) It was true. she did not love him. she never had. the very thought enraged him. as enraged as an alligator that lost its prey. and so, the alligator lost its targeted prey, a wildebeest as juicy as a lightly-braised tenderloin that had been marinated to perfection in a fine sauce of white wine, shallots, cloves, and then served with a helping of chateau merlot 1965, a year when the wines were drier than normal, to another alligator. the very thought drove it mad with anger.

Kaushik Gopalan:
Entry 1 - From seeing yore contest, I am thinking,thinking,thinking wether to be a competitioner or not to be. Like Shakespear has told, that is the question. On a hand, you might see fit to misunderestimate my completed knowledge of English if I take a part, on other hand I am wishing to win prize and feed more knowledge to my mind [1]. At one time I wonder of making participation despite of the risk involved, at other time my afraidness makes me shiver like I am in Artic sea. Since I am still thinking,thinking, thinking, I will appraise you of the situation after my decidation is finalled. [1] Like many historical people have told, books does to mind what rasmalais does to stomach, broaden it.

Entry 2 - It was a dark and stormy night and raw unbridled lust filled the air like agarbatti smoke. She was the typical Hollywood type, switching between marriage and divorce with a frequency that was the envy of the supercomputer industry. He was stuck in a bad marriage that offered as much happiness as a Weight watchers 1 1/2 point cereal bar. Their relationship was like one between an Egyptian plover and a crocodile, perfectly symbiotic. As they stepped towards each other with the measured steps of wresters who are ready for a bout, he realized that something was not right. That the situation was not as perfect as it had seemed when he was eyeing her heaving bosom like Vandana Luthra eyes an overweight person. He realized that he was incomplete, like Saqlain without his doosra. He realized that he had forgotten the Viagra.

Entry 3: Life is beautiful, like the wrath of a woman scorned. Life is like cud in a cow's mouth, it keeps going up and down, back and forth till it dissolves into nothingness. Life is like a round of golf, the journey is what matters, and the destination is just a hole in the ground. Life is like a really old TV, full of black and white and shades of grey. Life is a set of social mores, where more is less and less is more. Sometimes, life is like a queue in a public toilet, really long and full of crap. But mostly, life is beautiful. Protect your life, wear a helmet.

The Girl from Ipanema (all three seemed linked, so I'm posting as one entry)

You didn't told us what the gift will be for the winner. Coming from my side I think this is the funny idea. But certain peoples are getting their underwear into knotted structures about it. Like telling that it is snobbish and elliptist and all. People cannot keep serious in one side and joke in another. Each and everybody wants to say againast what another person has said and then wants to say that he only is intilgent. And to this they call debate febate. I think they are all mad only. But from compteesan side this is bit unbalanced. Because you know why, everybody can read other peoples answers before making theres. Your welcome thankyou. It is my sincere request to you respectedly to hand over prize here.

And my another complant being that certain peoples are breaking answer into many half half pieces and putting. I feel it so bad. That so much chitting is happening. I will not do same bad thing that others do. And Bombay addict sir, I think that you must make rules more strictly. Then only peoples will stand properly in line and wait. And tell only one thing one time. And keep quite. Otherwise you know, how peoples are these days. Howrats only.

And sorry first i didnt saw. you did tell about prize. i read half only and came fast fast to put my answer. it is my humble suggeshan only that you could prematurely and maturely close contest now. and hand over prize. because peoples will write all nonsense otherwise. that doesnt make any sense. and your only headache will start paining reading alls answers. afterwards dont tell.

Super Invisible Girl: This is a wonderous opportunity I'm getting to showcase my talent at english wordings which is not being my mother's tongue. I am being very good at romantic loving prose. There was this pleasant boy who I told to I'm loving so much he is causing my heart to gushing with blood. So I'm proposing to boy of my mother's and father's dreams but boy not accepting :-( In vengeance I'm Killing his cows and burning his hut He is now in hospital and I am hiding from police. :-) thanking you. please sir give me crossword voucher, jail is having no books to read.

Subbu: I am a plant eater. No mens or womens in my family are eating he-cows and she-cows. They are very scared. So we eating only trees and plants. But when I coming to usa all cows disappeared here. Many greens are there but no one eat them. All eating out places giving only animals and some leaves. But who can eat plain leaves without cooking ? I feeling sad. And more saddest news is dal price also increasing. We all must be going back home. Dal calls us. I coming soon.

Deepa: Bad English, I say is oxymoron..not moron, that is you when you believe politicians promises and put vote. But this oxymoron is two things which means same. I say English itself bad. So why to put English behind Bad? why write two times one meaning? I realise this from first, but leaders realise it now only like Buddha got idea suddenly. Realising, they change all English cities to Indian cities, like for example bombay, chennai etc etc. But India is still same. Why? Bharat makes nice sound, no? India is English for India. English earlier maybe very poor with saying our languages names, so, maybe said India. But now when they eat curry, I think they can say India name in India language. But maybe this is Americas conspiracy, they already spend money putting india in all papers to do deals...so they may not like typing all the papers new, saying bharat everywhere they say India. English bad, America more bad.

Shiv: Here is one, my school teacher used to say that "I have two daughters both are girls".

Kingsley: I am just founding this on my vebsite Putvote.com and I am feling very very very ashamed. You all are writing much much worst English than I be after trying for more than one month. Much shame is coming. Now I wills go avay and putting vote for this post. Please to be contacting me at kingsleyj@gmail.com. Wanting to talk vith you yabout something.

Sudha: Dear Mr. Bombay Addict. Thousand greetings. i sawing ur competition and within a minute seeing danger for next day. i will like to give u my thinking. i know u not wanting it but please to take it. writing in english will be good if topic of writing is good. same also for bad topic. so for prize in bad writing, peoples will write all bad topics that i cannot think of on days that i not have clean bath and not do prayer to god. also peoples writing bad topics will be buying books on bad topics with prize money u giving them. even crosswords having some very bad books that i not see without knowing. i take second bath that day and do second prayer that day. so please close competition before u not feeling bad about starting. i cannot tell to not read bad writing to u, but please respect our tradition and take bath and do prayer. then only read my writing. i only write good topic and good english. Your good thinking friend.

Chaitali Shah: I am the world more bestest the English writer. Such the competitions are the must for the inspiring the newcomings the writers. Topic: I, Me, Myself and mine. I am the borned in the Bombay in the year 1979s. I am the only the second daughter of both my mother and father. Now the Bombay I had once borned in is now the Mumbai. I had the eschool in the Bombay. I had big ben with to the eschool. I had many the friends. I had fewest the more bestest friends. I also had the ecollege in the Mumbai. I loved most the Bombay and not the Mumbai. But always its ok. I and my big ben loved horseback riding in eschool after on Sunday. My mother and father take me and my big ben to horseback riding and now no. Now I and my big ben are big girls. I love my families.

~*Sim*~: (Imagined response by a man to a shaadi.com posting.) Hellow sweet Ms. Preeti, Myself called as Raju, my pleasher to meet u. I am reading ur ad on the shaadi.com and getting very exited. U are matching all my martial needs. Also many other sweet pretty girls are not answering the my mails so I am having high hopes in your situation as I am only wanting girls of good background and pure culture only. Also on top of that ur good looks are very sweet and beautiful. Ur the wheatish complection is very nice nad sweet. I am now wanting to make the frandship with u and soon after be making u my first and only wife as per proper Hindu customs and good Indian culture, and also I am hoping to be having many children soon soon. Myself MBA pass, having good features and decent family, vegetarian 54 170 carrier oriented. And nowadays so many girls are wanting such boys of more better quality no? I sure u will like me.

So following that please to be reverting at ur earliest convenience Preeti. My esteemed fly will be waiting impatiently to meet u. My email id is shahrukh_lower_420@hotmail.com. Please Preeti u are my last hope u must write back or I will suicide maa kasam I'm telling u now only for once and all I cant sleep in the night I am spending very much time in deep sadeness and wanting good wife and good life. So please respond. Regards Raju

Sid: First of the all, myself the garma dharam(hoping that you gets joke. Pitashri priesting in temple so quoting me his dharm). I coming from the UP but lots peoples aksing " You the Bihar???" I feels at the 4 chambers of hearts. Lalu and the Bihar many kilometres different from me. Me like havafull rajdhani. He like Patna-Delhi passenger.I the emanated professor in biology. Walking, Talking the English, abling to entering this contest. He the farting in tabela variety. But me the detouring. Mr Bombay Dick, I telling my lady interest ki I entering your context. She asking if I winning, I take her foreign? Myself thinking of good chance so compochin this the bestest. I believing this to be my masterpeace. You should accepting my mastering peace and giving gud considering. You to be remebering my lady interest-ing and I to becoming your trusted. If not working then things turning to dangerous. So to be taking good care. --Emanated Professor in Biology seeking Lady interest.

Harish S.: The Matrix - A Revew. This movie it be one of my favorite.It has action like my hero Dharmendhar who also fly and escape any bullet which come my way.They have very cool name like Neo , Morphus and Trinty. . Morphus has deep voice and also speak very good dialoges by himself.My favourite dialogue is him saying do you eat red pill or will swallow blue pill to Neo. Morphus is so sofsticated and poise and panache but Neo look like he dont know what happening . Sometime I feel like getting up and kicking his mud head into sense. The movie I dont understood but action good ,so I see movie many many time.Agent Smith who is secret agent like James Bond but have no cool number like 007.I highly recomends movie for action liking peoples because action be made in Amrica studio and is very good.

Beachbong: This kid wants to get a shelf for his bedroom. My class in school has nice rack. I go to class tomorrow where I say towards madam, "You have nice rack. Can I put my book in rack. Also, me want to buy that rack and keep it next to bed. Thanku"

V. Prabhu: Do you know whay the English left India? Probably because Indians started speaking English!

Iyer Education (late, but still..): Dear Whomsoever It May Concern. I is going to talk about my late in putting this entry. Myself read this post on a Desipundit websight only on the Monday which is coming after 6 days of your posting date. Myself know that I not in voucher race but I like the invention so much that I give one try immediately. You know they say “Late came… correct came”. I got stuck up in submerging water and like they say “Water spread on all done and did”, the water rinsed away my chances of awarding this voucher. But I am happy to just contribution to this list and expect nothing. Like they say “Do the good and throw in the well”. Thanks you for this wonderfull opportunities. Yours Fatefully, Iyer Education

Thanks once again to all the participants. Also do read the comments on desipundit regarding this contest. I'll repeat what I've said there, i.e. - this was not an attempt to mock those who can't write English and definitely not an attempt to flaunt "superior education". If I gave that impression, I'm sorry.

Winners to be announced tomorrow.

The Bad English Contest

After reading some really sad English I’ve decided to see how bad we can get.

Well, what’s I means is that I am intending to start a contest for my blogger fraands. You’se sees, I has a problems about this many peoples seducing English and not meanings what they be wanting to say.

Damn ! I can’t write bad English intentionally. But, can you ?

So, here’s the deal

Write 100-150 words of the most atrocious and horrendous English text that you can think of. Choose your topic and type away.

Remember – it has to be on ONE topic so please don’t write 10 lines of random bad English.

Spin a story and use the worst English you can think of. Stuff that’d make you cringe and/or laugh in derision if you read it, etc.

What’s allowed – typos and grammar mutilation, as long as there is a correct English equivalent. Avoid as far as possible, local variants of English words like bherry for very, bhai for by, fraands for friends, etc.

For hints – you can check out HT Tabloid (in particular, the now legendary Wild and Wetty one - thank you Gawker for making it permanent) and Indiatimes Quickies – they’d win hands down here. It also shows that bad English is not necessarily spelling and grammar mistakes, but can be just plain crappy writing.

So, you don't necessarily have to restrict yourself to bad english. Try out bad (and sad) puns, whacky comparisons, repetition, hyperbole, etc, etc. Essentially - just freak out and use your imagination. (also read update below).

What’s not allowed – Copying.

Condition – you should be a blogger and you have to leave your reply by way of a comment. So, no anonymous replies. Employees of HT and Times of India are automatically disqualified. Hehehe.

Deadline – Sunday (6th August 2006) midnight.

And aakhir mein finally,

The prize – 3 winners will get Crossword vouchers of Rs500/- each (Sorry but contest is open only to Indian bloggers).

Winners will be announced on this blog next Tuesday 8th August 2006. They will then provide me (over e-mail of course) their postal address, to which I will despatch the Crosswords voucher by courier.

The judge – Me, because I’m too lazy to either ask others to judge or do a poll. Don’t object. I’m paying for the vouchers, so the least I’m entitled to is to choose the 3 winners.

Disclaimer - Hosting a contest like this does not make me a God in English. I'm not. This is just a fun thing to see how worst (sic) our English can get and to see how easy or difficult it is to write crap.

Request - No flaming, trolling, etc. etc. Let's play this in a good and healthy spirit.

Type away, blogger bandhu, type away.

UPDATE -
1. May I encourage participants to also try out their hand at plain pathetic prose ? Venture into bad stories. OD in the lurid turdy wordy. Bathe in the absolute, sheer, vast, total, complete, unending, infinity that can be plain, horrendous, disastrous, pathetic, abhorrent, shitty, crappy, bad English. Test confusing contradictory juxtaposition.

May I repeat - bad english for the purpose of this contest is not just limited to typos and breaking Wren and Martin rules with gay abandon.

The only limits I've imposed are - it has to be ONE topic, and not random rambling and it should be within the 100-150 words band. Rest all (yuck!) I leave to your imagination.

2. Multiple entries are neither disallowed nor actively encouraged. What I'm saying is - put in how many ever entries you want, but please (and this is an earnest request), please avoid flooding and repetition.

Performance evalution you do not want to get

This stuff ranks up there in the "best insults" category.

Some sources even attribute these quotes to actual stuff mentioned in US Fed. Govt. employee performance reports, while others caution that mail forwards can be inherently unreliable.

Anyways, here goes 32 quotes in performance evaluation that you do not want to get...

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Picture of the day

"New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota."



Disclaimer - The above views constitute a joke and should not be taken seriously.

Calvin and Hobbes on War and Peace

More reasons for being a Calvin and Hobbes freak.

 

Comic strip from Ucomics.com. 

Calvin and Hobbes take on Writers Block

Picture courtesy: www.ucomics.com. Calvin and Hobbes are of course the brilliant products of Mr. Bill Watterson.

Jokes from Fat-watchers Anonymous

Jokes like these make me feel good. Credit and Courtesy - Fat-watchers Anonymous (ok, ok - I got it off the Internet).

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolonglife. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits andvegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat,your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating ina regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophyis: No Pain... Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. What do body builders do to get those enormousmuscles??! You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me!!!!

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! “Round” IS a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and wel lpreserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand and strawberries in the other,body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming: WOO HOO! What a Ride!”